She Walks in Beauty
by thedoodlepen
Summary: Severus loved Lily Evans. She was his friend when he had no one else. But he messed it up. Will his pain force him to do something he can't take back?


She Walks in Beauty

by thedoodlepen

She was gorgeous.

She had red hair, and the brightest green eyes he had ever seen. She was kind to him at a time when the world seemed to take pleasure in beating him down.

He loved her.

But he was confused, strangely tongue tied around her.

'Damn Lily Evans,' he thought. 'and damn myself as well.'

Severus Snape was a fifth year at Hogwarts. He was part of Slytherin house. But he had no idea who he was.

"Greasy-haired dolt!" The words rang down the hall as he walked slowly towards the grounds. "Hook-nosed prat!"

Severus didn't even turn around to see who was mocking him this time. It didn't matter. Probably a Griffindor. But as he continued down the hallway, he was thrown immediately into a memory from his home life.

* * *

><p><em>"Hook-nosed prat!" He heard the slurring voice of his drunken mother, and wheeled around to find her blocking the light escaping from his open bedroom door.<em>

_"C'mere." The scruffy, overweight woman was weaving on her feet, and Severus didn't move. "Little arsehole. I said c'mere." She said, and the menace was clear in her voice._

_"Yes, mum." Severus replied, and he moved towards her. Stopping in front of her, he felt his chest tense. It was like there was a rock sitting in his stomach. He hated this. He hated everything. Everything but that redheaded girl he had met that morning..._

_"How does this feel?" His mother's voice was cold and cruel as she clamped her hand down on his nose and twisted. Severus cried out in pain, and she mocked his cries. "Snivelling Severus, little baby." She said, with a cold laugh. She let go of his nose, and he cowered backwards, blood seeping from his nostrils._

_"Clean yourself up." The woman said, throwing a dirty rag in his face. "And get out of my sight. You make me sick."_

_Severus retreated to the far corner of his room, dabbing at his bloody nose with the dirty rag. He wanted to dream of someday getting out of here, but he didn't have the energy. Nothing ever changed. Nothing ever would. The image of the red-haired girl flew from his mind._

* * *

><p>Severus felt like he was that child again as he left the school and wandered out onto the grounds. It was sunny, but the memory had left him with an oppressive weight he just couldn't throw off. He felt so small, so insignificant.<p>

And of course, James Potter and his pals were there to torment him. Snape felt the darkness in his mind fill him with a thick fog. What did he care? Let Potter turn him upside down so his underwear was on display. Who gave a damn any more?

But he knew she was there. Lily Evans. His secret love. So he glared at Potter. He fought back. And then the word slipped from his tongue.

_Mudblood._

He had barely realized he had said it. But Lily reacted as if he had personally used her bed as a toilet. No, worse. She refused to talk to him.

His chest felt cold. He felt the horror of what he had done begin to dawn on him, and his legs went to jelly. The eyes of the one person he cared for in all the world were staring at him with a mixture of hatred and disgust.

Severus fled the scene and found his way to the top of the owlery. His mind was crashing as if lightening bolts were being flung from the sky.

CRASH. His miserable home life.

CRASH. Lily Evans, the only person who seemed to care for him.

CRASH. His stupid mistake, which ruined everything.

CRASH. Ruined everything.

Ruined everything.

Before he could even think about what he was doing, he had hoisted himself onto the edge of the parapet. The blackness in his mind was overpowering. He didn't want to do this any more. He couldn't face another day of taunts and abuse, knowing that the one woman he loved hated him.

There was nothing left to do.

But the blackness eased a little and Severus found himself thinking a little more clearly. Only a few more years and he would be of age, and he could escape this. Did he really think throwing himself off the castle parapet was the way to go?

No. Not like this. Severus turned and began to climb back through the window, but his foot slipped on a patch of owl dung. Suddenly, he was suspended in the air. There was a split second for his brain to register what had just happened, and strangely, he accepted it.

Welcomed it.

He fell, and it was a long fall. Before he reached the ground, he whispered.

"She walks in beauty, like the night..."

As his body hit the ground, he felt the blackness in his mind expand and overtake his entire being. Finally, the torment was gone.

He could rest.


End file.
